Reavers: A Charming Enigma
by Vampbarbie
Summary: Sometimes campfire stories are overexaggerated. Warning: Character deaths but in a humourous vein.


This story is NOT written by me - it is written by my brother ViperNoj - but he gave permission for me to share it with you all.

WARNING: Contains multiple character deaths, but in a humourous manner.

Every word from this point onwards is ViperNoj's.

* * *

Reavers: A Charming Enigma

The following is a work of fiction, written by myself with characters created by Joss Whedon. This is written to be an amusing story for your personal enjoyment, do not distribute this without my permission. Now, on with the story!

* * *

With an abrupt silence, Serenity powered down, dead in the water so to speak. The hum of engines rapidly increased till the whirr and buzz surrounded and enclosed the entire ship. 

"Oh god, it's happening!" squealed Kaylee, looking up at the engine room around her, her pretty eyes wide to fully absorb the imminent terror. Rapidly working at the engine, scuffing her knuckles and shaking her hair back from her face she futilely attacked the engine, doing everything possible that might help in the darkness. There was no hope though, since they'd been hit by a high powered electromagnetic pulse, fired from the smouldering, stained Reaver ship that had pursued them towards the atmosphere of the small planet they'd been attempting to seek refuge on. The notion that a crazy Ivan might once again save their skins, quite literally, had been floated and deemed the best plan in amongst the distinct lack of anything better, as was usually the case.

There were heavy clunking sounds, followed by the tortured screaming of metal as it twisted and buckled under extreme pressure, a huge jolt rocking Serenity as something gave way. The roof above Kaylee bent in, clearly on the brink of collapse as Simon burst through the door towards her, struggling to balance as the ship quaked.

"Kaylee, it's done!" Simon was yelling as he pulled her physically away from the engine and dragged her out of the engine room, stumbling up the steps in the darkness as he pulled her towards the main living area. She tried to resist somewhat, but not very strongly, knowing the grave situation they were facing. As they stumbled blindly into the corridor they were almost knocked over by Jayne as he ran through with a personal arsenal of weaponry.

"Come on, they're gonna mash this any minute!" he yelled, urging them forwards with his gun, steadying himself again a railing as the ship shook again. Stumbling forwards, they headed for the cargo bay, where things had broken loose, tumbling or sliding across the floor. As they emerged into it, very dimly lit from what little light was left, Mal, Zoe and Wash half-ran, half-slid down the metal stairs on the far side, Wash and Zoe clinging fiercely to one another's hands.

"River, where's Ri…" Simon began to shout, turning to see Inara and Book with River in tow stepping into the back of the cargo bay, Inara somehow looking as elegant and beautiful as ever despite the mortal crisis. Book was gripping his, well, book. The bible clutched tightly in his hand, open at a page that evidently offered some inspiration.

"Cap'n!" Kaylee yelled, clinging to Simon with a terrified look as he edged his way to River, which most people were, ending up with all of them in a huddle towards the rear of the cargo bay, Jayne, Zoe and Mal standing near the front, guns drawn and ready as the ship shuddered and trembled around them.

"I guess this could be…" Mal started, when with a final shake everything fell silent. All the lights came back on, though there was no sound of the engine, which remained dead. Jayne looked around wildly, sweating profusely and gripping Vera so tight his fingers might break. Zoe looked around, standing in front of Wash, who peered past her shoulder, dinosaur tightly grasped in his hand. Simon hugged River and Kaylee close to him, mainly because Kaylee wouldn't let go of his slender frame, which was then pressed more as the others moved in close to them.

"The human heart can pump strong enough to shoot blood thirty feet," River said in her quiet, child-like voice. Both Simon and Kaylee pulled back to stare at her, before looking to one another with apprehensive expressions. Things were still silent, the lights not even so much as flickering.

"Huh," Mal said, looking round, when there was a loud but polite sounding tap at the hatch at the front of the cargo bay. Everyone looked up with confused looks, Mal stepping incredulously forwards. He quickly stepped back again when there was a mechanical sound and the doors began to open with a slight groan. There was an intake of breath from the crew, who huddled back a little more as Mal and Jayne prepared to fire, their arms stopping mid-way as they leaned forwards with looks of pure disbelief.

"Good Evening, my name is Michael," said the leading Reaver with a pleasant smile offsetting his scarred face. The other Reavers followed in behind, all of them wearing expensive, high quality suits, looking thoroughly presentable. Stepping forwards, he extended a hand towards Mal.

"Oh, this is a happy development..." Zoe said quietly, raising her gun and backing into Wash a little more, who still peeped over her shoulder.

"Captain?" he said tentatively, offering to shake. There was a moment of tension, where both parties just stared at one another for a moment, the crew of Serenity looking with utter fear towards the smart, smooth Reavers in the front of the cargo bay. The tension broke sharply with a gunshot, Mal's hand flicking up and delivering a blast at point blank into Michael the Reavers forehead. There was a collective gasp of shock from the Reavers, one of them catching his body as it slumped back, dropping to his knees with him, cradling him tenderly before looking up to the ambivalent Mal with an expression of anger.

"What did he ever do to you?" he whispered, looking back down at his fallen colleague.  
There were no more moments of tension, as a pair of the Reavers stepped forwards from the group and fired shock weapons into them, Mal being blown off his feet, Jayne getting the same before he could even shoot, having held back at the bizarre spectacle unfolding before him. As they vaguely regained their senses, albeit groggily, they were hoisted to their feet by the well presented Reavers.

"Well at least I didn't get impaled or something. That'd suck," Wash mumbled as they were moved.

"I do apologise for the inconvenience caused, we'll try and create as little interruption as possible. I'm Tarquin by the way, I'll be your host…now," he said, looking as Michael was carefully picked up and carried back towards their large ship by several other saddened Reavers behind the party of prisoners. After being firmly but politely led through the ship, they were placed in a room, which the Reavers left with a courteous bow, before locking the door. The crew looked round, utterly bewildered and still slightly dozy from the shock that'd knocked them down. Of course their weapons had been removed. The room they were in was quite luxurious, with comfortable leather sofas and refreshments provided, and to one end a curtain.

"Well, ain't that sumthin'," Mal commented, trying to make some kind of light of the realistically grim situation. The others just looked at him, about to speak up to give him a piece of their minds when there was a clacking and whirring sound and the curtain at the end rose, with some cheesy, tinny music breaking the air and assaulting their ears.

"Vera, where's Vera?" Jayne said, standing up and rapidly looking around, even though he knew as everyone else did that Reavers might be charming, but they weren't stupid.

"Oh what fresh hell is this?" Inara murmured, watching with all of them as a stage and a microphone came into view. Their stares turned to frowns, Mal practically gurning. Nothing happened, and Kaylee's fingers, which had been digging into Simon's skinny arm so hard they almost drew blood, released a little. River was on his other side, looking round and muttering. It was most likely things they didn't want to hear, so he was glad she was quiet. There was a crackle from the speaker, then it cleared and a crisp, well-spoken voice broke through.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Put your hands together and give a warm forced-to-be-here, never-to-leave welcome for Chomper!" said the strong, typically non-Reaver voice over the speaker. They all pulled back a little as a lone Reaver walked onto the stage with a smile and a wave to his reluctant audience.

"Good evening!" he shouted, looking to the small group for a response, getting none.

"Not very talkative huh? Well I'll warm you up. I'm not really called Chomper you know, I'm actually Nathan Fillet'em," he said in an animated fashion with another smile, seeming not to notice the terror and disgust gripping the group before him at the far end of the room.

"So how we all doing tonight? Feeling a bit tender?" he said, looking back to them with a slight laugh of his own. Greeted with mere silence, he strode along the 'stage', which drew attention to the squeaking of a spotlight, which then followed him. The crew watched him, unable to form words at the bizarre horror show in front of them, simply staring on with wide eyes. They were slightly relieved by the opening of the door, where a group of smartly dressed Reavers, wearing suits as they had been when they'd been brought onboard, entered the room and paused the show.

"Sorry to interrupt, but things need to be done. If you three wouldn't mind?" the first one said in a polite voice, indicating Jayne, Simon and River, who were on the nearest side of the group. Though polite, the group were armed and ready in case, and even Jayne had to accept this wouldn't be a 'moment' for an elaborate, intricate, as yet un-devised rescue plan that they'd never get the chance to initiate. The small group stood, River hanging back reluctantly, though Simon and Jayne could hardly be described as eager.

"If only we had some morphine…" he mumbled as the Reavers welcomed them with open arms and smiles to escort them from the room.

"No, Simon, no! I ain't got no batteries left!" Kaylee squealed, holding onto him tightly, her fingernails digging into his arm quite painfully. Jayne muttered something incoherent and River simply looked around in a spaced out manner.

"Kaylee sit down! You know what your father said he'd do to me if anything happened to you. And I just don't swing that way!" Mal shouted, reaching out to try and hold her back.

"Ok she can come too, always room for more," the Reaver said politely. Kaylee quickly scrambled to her feet and held tightly onto her doctor. River just stumbled along at the back, being pulled by her brother, with his spare hand, and Jayne, who simply wanted someone to hold onto, grasping her other hand. He'd never live down holding onto Simon. Besides, he'd already bagged Kaylee so he'd have to do with the crazier Tam sibling. After being led into the corridor, the door was closed and locked once more, and 'Chomper' was once again the primary blight of the remaining five peoples lives.

"Don't you just hate it when dinner interrupts your favourite show?" he attempted, holding up his microphone to the "audience".

"You suck!" shouted Book in his deep voice, still tightly grasping his bible. The Reaver looked quite hurt, pulling himself together to continue as if nothing had happened. After a slight stutter, he continued, to attempt another diabolical joke.

* * *

Out in the corridor, after much persuasion and gentle prying, Kaylee had been removed from Simon's arm, though still on the brink of blubbing her eyes out. 

"Don't worry dear, we have a little treat for you," they said, slowly guiding her towards a nearby door. Simon reached out for her, and her for him, but she still allowed herself to be steered away from him.

"Kaylee!" he shouted, but was quickly silenced by a polite shake of a Reaver hand.

Kaylee was led through the door, and stopped to do a double take. There was a hot, steaming bubble bath, the smell of strawberries in the steamy atmosphere. On the side of the bath, a large bowl of real strawberries stood as the Reaver's waved her to continue forwards with winning smiles. She couldn't help but smile, breathing the sweet scent in deeply, giving a little shiver.

"Enjoy yourself," the Reaver said politely, and then they turned and left the room, locking it behind them. Scanning the room, there was not even the tiniest chance of escape, so she starting undoing her clothing, looking forward to slipping into the hot bath and devouring the large bowl of tasty, tasty strawberries…

* * *

Simon stared back towards the door and firmly held onto River as they were escorted down the corridor once more, walking for a minute or so before being guided into another room, the little herd of Reavers escorting them closely. The majority of the group held Jayne back in the hall, as the Tam's were taken into the kitchen. They walked into a kitchen, everything made from pristine stainless steel. A Reaver was standing in clean white clothing and wearing an apron that said 'Bite the Cook', giving them a pleasant smile as he walked over to them. 

"Welcome to my humble kitchen, I hope it does not disappoint you," he said to the now tightly hugged siblings. Simon looked on with disgust and anger, River looking around erratically again. He offered a hand, looking a bit agitated when he wasn't offered a returning handshake.

"I never planned on going out like this," River mumbled, burying her head in Simon's chest as the inevitable was upon them.

* * *

Jayne watched on, now being held firmly by several of the smartly dressed Reavers, who had been forced to act when he'd tried to stage a break out. The door to the kitchen closed with a heavy thud of finality, leaving Jayne alone in the hall. 

"What you gonna do to me?" Jayne said, his voice coming out much higher toned and less manly than he'd hoped for at that moment.

"Don't worry, you'll be with them again, sooner than you might think," the lead Reaver said politely, turning and leading him and the escorting group down the corridor towards another room…

* * *

Back in the Auditorium of horror, better known as the Reaver's stand-up show, the remaining five members of Serenity's crew grimaced at the attempted jokes. 

"And don't you just hate it when that bone gets stuck in your teeth? Who'd think they would, being that big and all?" he said with a slight laugh of his own, as his forced audience looked on.

"Don't you hate it when a brain gets stuck in your empty head?" Wash answered back, sitting with his usual near-smirk of apathy.

"Husband, quiet," Zoe said sternly, glaring at Wash.

"But lambytoes," he started, quietened swiftly by her withering stare. Mal had to admit that that joke wasn't bad, better than his a lot of the time, though he'd never admit it. Again they turned at the sound of the door being unlocked, and the same smartly dressed Reaver entered, though he had a different entourage of his companions. The two that walked in at the back were carrying an open sedan chair, fitted with a luxurious seat. Setting it down, the polite lead Reaver stepped forward.

"Ambassador," he said with a slight bow to Inara, whose beautiful eyes widened, her eyebrows rising incredulously. He extended a hand to her, smiling and catching her more than apprehensive gaze.

"Inara, don't," Mal said, reaching out to take her hand firmly, her fingers curling into his. Book started to pray at that point, holding his bible to his chest.

"Preacher this is not the time or the place!" Mal snapped, looking at him with an attempted-threateningly aimed finger before turning back to Inara, pointing at her too, before he noticed and lowered his hand with a shifty glance.

"Please, we wouldn't want this to become unpleasant," the Reaver said, looking to Mal. Inara looked to Mal for a moment, their eyes locking, holding the moment before she leaned forwards and gave him a soft kiss on the cheeks.

"See you in another life," she whispered and let herself be pulled strongly to her feet, where she was shown towards the carriage. Looking back to Mal, she gave him the best smile she could manage as the sedan chair was picked up.

"Inara!" Mal yelled, launching himself to his feet and at the nearest Reaver. His poorly devised plan worked as well as most of his well-devised plans. With a swift motion he was tazered, the shock coursing through his body, which crumpled to the ground. The captain spasmed and twitched on the floor for a moment before falling still, Inara hanging out the side of the sedan chair as they started to carry her out of the room.

"You'd think he'd learn by now," she murmured, shaking her head as Zoe pulled Mal back towards them, sliding his useless form across the shiny, wipe-clean floor as he mumbled and looked about disoriented. She was carried from the room, the door clunking shut again, the locks engaging, leaving them trapped with their horrific torture.

Inara was carried down the corridor in a smooth, steady fashion, the chair barely rocking as they courteously carried her through the ship to another door. They stopped, setting the chair down as softly as possible before the Reaver that'd been leading them stepped to her side, offering a hand covered in a soft white glove. Inara looked a little cautiously at him, eyeing his scarred face before taking his hand with her own slender version, allowing herself to be guided to her feet. He opened the door with his other hand and showed her into the twilight room.

"Welcome my dear," said the sexy, soothing voice of a tall, handsome (well, for a Reaver at least) Reaver who stood at the foot of a large bed wearing a dark, expensive-looking suit. He gave a winning smile and reached out to take her hand, lifting it to softly kiss it as she looked around. Candles that were spread around the room, glowing warmly to illuminate the bedroom, delivering the soft flickering light. The large bed was made with expensive silk sheets, Inara almost disgusted at herself that she considered the thread count for a moment. Soft music was playing and rose petals were scattered all around, their soft, delicate forms curling on the neatly made bed. She looked around, wondering if some of her clients could have thought of such things.

"I hope everything is to your satisfaction?" he murmured, looking up into her beautiful eyes.

"Wow, this is so _not_ how I imagined my last time," she said, raising her eyebrows as he led her towards the bed…

* * *

"If I may, I'd like to finish off with a song here…" said Nathan Fillet'em, looking somewhere off stage, where music then struck up. The remaining Serenity crew were desperately looking for anything that could be used as a weapon, eyeing the barbaric comedian with anger as they moved towards the stage. Suddenly there was a loud clunk as the door opened, and a group of Reavers entered, the same lead one, who as yet hadn't identified himself, smiling nicely. 

"Well I guess we're out of time. Thank you, you've been great! Peace out!" the comedian said, dropping the microphone and walking off stage with a wave of his hand.

"Out of time," mumbled Mal, turning round completely with Zoe, Wash and Book to face their imminent demise with a smile. Mal's never failed him, but then it never did even when everything else did.

"You know that smiling at death thing, it's just a phrase, not to be taken literally, sir," Zoe said quietly to him, seeing his inane grin as the Reavers closed in on them.

* * *

A little while later, Tarquin walked into the dining room, taking a seat at the table. He ran his hand over the slightly hairy, still warm tablecloth. It was made from Jayne, his pelt stretched out over the surface for a spill resistant layer over their fine furniture. 

"Excellent work, much more skin than it looked like," he said with a smile to the others of his group as they entered the room. There were candles standing on the pelt, sinking slightly into the rubbery skin as Tarquin and the other Reaver's settled into chairs around it. The waiter Reaver, dressed smartly with a bowtie, walked in carrying a bottle of wine on a tray, setting it down on the table for them, already opened and breathed. He poured a glass for each of them, who raised and sniffed their glasses, before clinking them together and taking a sip, fully tasting and sampling the wine.

"Delicious merlot," one remarked, holding up his glass to eye the rich blood red colour. There was a murmur of agreement.

"I prefer a nice chardonnay myself," another commented, creating more murmurs of well-informed wine thought. Four more Reavers entered the room, wearing newly obtained skins, which of course came from the unfortunate, but cocky, Mal, Zoe, Wash and Book. The others looked on, giving approving smiles.

"I added some spikes to this one, sharpens it up I think?" one said, pulling the side of Wash's Hawaiian shirt clad skin across in a dashing pose.

"Well, that one's a bit old and worn out isn't it?" one said to the Reaver in Book's skin.

"Yeah, but black's in this year!" he replied, giving a twirl as there were light laughs and smiles at the joke.

"This one's less weathered," said another Reaver stroking Zoe's smooth skin.

"I think this is more of an evening look," said a third Reaver twirling one of the sleeves of its Mal pelt coat. Just as they took their seats, the cook came in, still wearing the same apron, slightly bloodstained now though as he carried in two plates, followed by a couple of serving crew members to bring the other plates in. They set them down.

"What speciality have we tonight?" Tarquin asked as he laid out a serviette across his lap and raised his cutlery.

"Tams-in-Cobb served with colcannon in a rich red wine sauce, topped with some a sprinkling of lemon zest. Tarquin nodded with a smile as he cut himself a piece and took the first bite, chewing slowly and letting the full flavour and texture spread through his mouth.

"Delicious, lean and firm, and the sauce really is delightful," he said as he took another forkful, giving the go ahead for the others to tuck in. The cook beamed with pride at the scene of appreciation before him.

After they had eaten and were sitting round making intelligent conversation, the cook came back in at the head of a pair of Reaver's carrying in a large polished silver serving dish.

"Hope you've still got room," he said as they set it in the middle of the table and raised the smooth silver lid from it to reveal the sweet, succulent dish, served with strawberries and sauce of the same flavour.

"Frye a la fraises," he said, indicating the sweet desert with his hand. There were a chorus of 'oohs' from round the table which made him smile as the two waiters started serving it up onto plates that were eagerly held out. Tarquin again was the first one to sample it, and just melted at the heavenly sweet taste, digging in enthusiastically to another spoonful. The cook sighed happily, nodding and smiling to the waiter that had helped him, satisfied with their work.

All the horrible acts were worth it, just to see the smiles on their little, scarred faces…


End file.
